


I'd Die Without You

by paxton1976



Series: Found, and Lost [3]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Heavy Angst, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-03
Updated: 2016-12-03
Packaged: 2018-09-06 06:25:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8738272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paxton1976/pseuds/paxton1976
Summary: Kaneki has hit his breaking point. Can Uta help him realize how important he is to the mask maker?





	

**Author's Note:**

> Suicide. It is every PTSD sufferer's worst enemy. Although it is not solely related to PTSD, most people diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder have suicidal thoughts and often attempts. You've been strong for so long, all the feelings, thoughts, insecurities and horror build up and you wind up crumbling. It literally is a minute by minute survival at times. Each breath is agonizing, each blink of the eye too much. Death seems like such a sweet escape. You aren't thinking about the future or that things will get better. You are existing in the here and now. There is no living with PTSD in the beginning. It's mere existence and survival. I was diagnosed with PTSD in late 2010. By the end of 2011, I had countless suicidal thoughts and a few attempts. It's very common to hide how you are truly feeling as well. It's hard for others to comprehend what is going on in your mind and how you feel. You also don't want to be committed. Sure, admission into a program that can help with the suicidal tendencies is great but it doesn't address the underlying issues of PTSD. They take years of therapy to get through, accept and overcome.
> 
> I have been on the suicidal person's viewpoint many times, so I know how that feels and can describe it pretty well. I just recently experienced the side of being left behind and am struggling with those feelings. I hope I conveyed this side as realistic as I could also.
> 
> The theme song for this installment is I'd Die Without You by PM Dawn. I did listen to this quite a bit when I wanted to end my life. I didn't really have anyone present that kept me here at that time, but I would imagine my grandmother when I listened to the lyrics. Even though she was gone, I knew it would break her heart if I gave up. It's a beautiful song. Check it out.
> 
> Anyway, sorry for rambling. This is just a subject near and dear to my heart. I can think of no better muse than Kaneki and Uta to relay this story.
> 
> I hope you enjoy I'd Die Without You.

You can follow me on [tumblr](http://paxohana.tumblr.com/) here. Stay up to date on latest chapters, story progress, if you have an idea, or just want to give a shout out! You guys are what drives me, and I so appreciate every one of you.

 

 

 _If I have to give away_  
_The feeling that I feel._  
_If I have to sacrifice_  
_Oh, whatever babe, whatever baby._  
_If I have to take apart_  
_All that I am_  
_Is there anything that I would not do,_  
_'Cause inside I'd die without you_

 

 

 

There wasn't enough coffee in the world for today.

 

He was fighting to stay awake. He hadn't been able to fall asleep since the last frantic outburst of the night, so he figured he'd go downstairs to work. It had been one of the dumbest ideas he had all week. He had to rip out stitches from the mask he was working on multiple times, the seams not lining up. He had poked himself with the needle so often he had lost count. Fed up with his inattention, he let the mask drift onto the table. He groaned and let his head drop onto the wood surface. His hand absently sought after his coffee mug. When his fingers brushed against cool ceramic, he grasped the rim. He cursed when the mug slipped and warm liquid rushed to pool against his forearm.

 

“Shit,” he muttered.

 

“One of those mornings?” Renji asked. Uta's head jerked to his visitor, giving him a blank stare.

 

“I didn't hear you come in,” the mask-maker said.

 

“Bell chimed. What's wrong with you? You look like shit,” the silver-haired man asked, not known to mince words.

 

“Long night. Ken had a rough time sleeping. Way too many night terrors. I figured I'd get some work done while he's finally passed out.”

 

The silver-haired man nodded and sat on the stool in front of the drafting table. He kept Uta company while the mask-maker talked about his latest project, the man they had for dinner the night before that was so drunk he could taste the alcohol in his flesh, and his favorite subject: Kaneki. Renji smirked listening to the raven-haired man talk about the half-ghoul. His eyes lit up, he became so animated and his voice took on a passion he rarely expressed. He could tell his friend was absolutely head over heels in love with the young man. The mask-maker stopped talking when they heard a thud from above. He chuckled softly and shook his head.

 

“Bet he fell out of bed again. He tends to do that after nights like this,” Uta explained.

 

“Well, since he's awake I'm going to say hi,” Renji replied, hoisting himself from the stool. The tattooed ghoul picked the pieces of leather up and began sewing. He was humming to himself as he heard the taller ghoul trudge up the stairs. He made a mental note to oil the hinges of the apartment door. He didn't want the loud creaking to startle Kaneki. A soft smile appeared on his lips as he thought about how life had been going lately. Ken had shown improvement over the past few weeks. He was able to leave the building now the floor wasn't a trigger. He was beginning to see glimpses of the half-ghoul's true personality break through. He was so proud of the progress the young man had made. He still had a long way to go, but the mask-maker would be there for the entire journey. He jumped when a shout pierced the silence.

 

“ _UTAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”_

 

The bellowing from the silver-haired ghoul sent a horrifying chill down his spine. He bolted from his stool, not paying attention as it crashed onto the floor. He tore through the back room and up the stairs. He flung the door open and stepped into the apartment. His heart dropped into his stomach and he gasped as if he'd been punched in his chest. He felt his legs grow weak.

 

“Ken?”

 

The white-haired ghoul was sitting on the floor in the living room, surrounded by a pool of blood. He had the mask-maker's quinque shaving blade in his hand. He slashed angry marks onto his arm, watching the blood pour down his hand and onto the floor. The crimson trail faded rapidly since the gashes healed quickly. The young man whined before slicing his upper arm, watching the blood gushing from the wound.

 

“Oh my God,” whispered Renji. The mask-maker looked at him, taking in his wide-eyed, shocked stare. His attention was drawn away from the taller man by a sickening tearing sound. His stomach roiled when he realized the young ghoul had bit a chunk of flesh from his wrist. He wanted to move, to stop the man but stood transfixed in horror. Kaneki continued to hack at his arms, his whining growing louder.

 

“It won't work. It heals too quick. I can't bleed enough,” he cried hysterically.

 

Renji came to his senses first, rushing to the half-ghoul and knocked the blade out of his hand. The young man was astonished as he watched the blade slide across the floor. He looked back to the taller ghoul, anguish apparent on his face.

 

“Why? Please let me die. I don't want to hear the voices anymore. I don't want to see him every time I close my eyes. Please, just let me die!” Kaneki pleaded. He covered his face with his hands and his body was racked with sobs. The silver-haired ghoul knelt in front of the half-ghoul and placed a hand on his shoulder. Renji heard unsteady breathing behind him, glancing back to see tears falling down the mask-maker's face. He had never seen Uta cry. He met the tattooed man's eyes and jerked his head to Kaneki. The man shuffled numbly over to them and fell on his knees. The half-ghoul raised his head and looked into the raven-haired man's eyes. His eyes brimmed with fresh tears when he saw rivers of crimson course down the tattooed man's cheeks. He hadn't even thought about his lover when he started slicing himself. He just thought about ending the pain. He couldn't deal with this emptiness, this numbness anymore. He was tired of being petrified, tired of the night terrors, tired of constantly being on edge. He wanted to rest, even if it was eternally. He didn't have the strength to keep going.

 

“Ken,” Uta cried, cupping the other's cheek with a hand, “Why? You were doing better. What happened? Did something happen last night?”

 

The man shook his head vigorously and pressed his hand against the other's.

 

“No, I've felt like this since you found me. It's just building and I can't do it anymore.”

 

“What? What do you mean?”

 

“I didn't want you to worry, so I hid everything. I don't want to bring you down with me,” Kaneki replied, fresh tears falling. He gasped when the mask-maker grabbed him, holding him against his body as if his life depended on it.

 

“I'm sorry,” the half-ghoul whispered into the other man's neck before completely breaking down. Uta held him tightly, rocking him back and forth as he cried. He sat back a bit and tilted the young man's chin up, peering into shimmering grey eyes.

 

“Let's clean you up. Then we need to talk,” the tattooed ghoul said seriously.

 

* * *

 

Uta helped the young ghoul into the bathtub and watched him while Renji cleaned the blood in the living room. When the water cooled, the mask-maker guided the half-ghoul into the bedroom and dressed him. Kaneki watched as the other lovingly helped with every detail. His heart skipped a beat when he remembered the agony he put his lover through. His gaze dropped to the floor and he fought back the tears that threatened to fall. He looked up when soft lips pressed against his forehead.

 

“I'll be back in a minute,” Uta said, calling Renji to come into the room. The silver-haired ghoul sat on the bed next to Kaneki. The young man stole glances to the other ghoul, waiting for him to talk.

 

“You should have been honest with him,” Renji said quietly. The young ghoul dropped his head in his hands.

 

“I know. I just didn't want him to worry. He does so much already. I can't ask him to do more.”

 

“You're an idiot, you know that?” Renji said, temper beginning to flare, “Do you realize he would do anything for you? He would sacrifice himself if it meant saving you.”

 

The young ghoul gulped and nodded. He knew the silver-haired man had his best intentions in mind. He just felt no one understood what he was going through and how hard it was to hold on every day, hour, minute. He wanted to spare them his insanity and outbursts. Was that too much to ask?

 

* * *

Uta made his way to the kitchen to make coffee for everyone. He knew he didn't need the caffeine as he was so upset he could practically feel his nerve endings buzzing. He went through the motions of making a pot while deep in thought. Ken had hid his true feelings and problems from him. He had masked his torment so well the raven-haired ghoul couldn't see it. Finally, the young man had snapped. To say it took him by surprise was the understatement of the century. He braced his hands on the counter and let his head loll forward. He felt like his chest was going to burst with this uneasy feeling rising in him. He couldn't, wouldn't, live without Kaneki. He just had to get the man to understand that he would be there for him no matter how he felt or what happened with him, but the young man had to be honest with him.

 

He sighed as the remaining drops fell into the pot. He poured the dark liquid into two mugs, lifted them from the counter and made his way through the living room. Renji had left his mp3 player plugged into the speakers and a familiar song was playing quietly. He walked to the coffee table to turn the device off when he stopped abruptly. His heart fluttered when he heard the lyrics lilting through the speakers.

 

 _Oh, I apologize for all the things I've done_  
_But now I'm underwater and I'm drowning_  
_Is it my turn to be the one to cry_  
_Isn't it amazing how some things just completely turn around_  
_So take every little piece of my heart (piece of my heart)_  
_So take every little piece of my soul (every little piece of my soul)_  
_Take every little piece of my mind_  
_'Cause if you're gone... inside..._  
_I'd die without you..._

 

 

He ran a hand across his eyes, wiping away the tears forming. He juggled the mugs in one hand while grabbing the player in the other. He entered the bedroom and handed a mug to the half-ghoul, who took it after thanking him. Renji took his leave, knowing the two men had much to talk about. The mask-maker sat on the bed next to Kaneki, propped his elbows on his knees and held his mug with both hands. The half-ghoul anxiously awaited the onslaught from the other man, cringing when the tattooed ghoul sighed deeply.

 

“I'm sorry,” Uta said, voice full of emotion. Kaneki whipped his head to face the other man, shock etched on his face.

 

“W-what?” he asked, not believing himself.

 

“If I had paid more attention, I would have known how much you were hurting. If I had spent more time with you, maybe you wouldn't feel this way.”

 

Kaneki shook his head, shifted his body and gathered the raven-haired ghoul's hands in his.

 

“You did everything right, Uta. It's just....,” he stopped, running a hand through his hair, “I'm not strong enough. All these thoughts, feelings, flashbacks, panic attacks..I don't know how to deal with them. I'm being run down. I don't know how much fight I have left in me.”

 

“Why didn't you tell me?” The pain in the mask-maker's eyes was too much for the half-ghoul to bear.

 

“I didn't want you to worry even more. You've done so much for me already. I'm nothing but a burden to you,” the young man replied.

 

“Ken, do you know how much I love you?” Uta asked, fighting tears for the hundredth time that day, “You will never, ever be a burden to me. I'd do anything for you. Let me help you.”

 

Kaneki bit his lower lip and looked away. He knew Uta loved him, but he didn't know if it was enough anymore. His life had been turned upside down. He couldn't recognize himself anymore. How could he expect anyone else to?

 

“How can you love me? I'm not who I was. I don't know if I ever will be who you want me to be,” he said softly. The raven-haired man flinched as if the half-ghoul had physically hit him. He stood suddenly, rummaged through a dresser drawer and pulled a set of earbuds out. Kaneki watched the man walk past him and sit at the head of the bed.

 

“Come here,” Uta instructed, patting the mattress next to him. The half-ghoul crawled next to the mask-maker, curious what the other man had in mind.

 

“Lie down. Since you aren't listening to my words maybe this will help. Put these in and close your eyes. Try to clear your mind and just listen to the lyrics.”

 

The young ghoul nodded, lying down and put the earbuds in. His eyes darted back and forth from the raven-haired man and the door. He felt the anxiety rise within him that occurred every time he had to close his eyes. The mask-maker picked up on his distress and entwined his fingers through the others.

 

“I'll make sure nothing happens,” Uta said softly, “Just listen. Ready?”

 

Kaneki nodded and closed his eyes. Moments later he heard the melodic piano introduction followed by a slow, sweet R&B beat. The piano danced around the tempo of the song. The half-ghoul could feel himself smile just from the sheer beauty of the song.

 

 _Is it my turn to wish you were lying here._  
_I tend to dream you when I'm not sleeping._  
_Is it my turn to fictionalize my world._  
_Or even imagine your emotions. Tell myself anything_  
_Is it my turn to hold you by your hands._  
_Tell you I love you and you not hear me_  
_Is it my turn to totally understand._  
_To watch you walk out of my life and not do a damn thing_

 

His eyes flew open when the first verse ended and the chorus picked up. He saw Uta's eyes on him, watching his reaction. He saw the mask-maker's lips shush him and ran a hand gently over the half-ghoul's eyes. He closed them once again and listened to the chorus.

 

 _If I have to give away_  
_The feeling that I feel._  
_If I have to sacrifice_  
_Oh, whatever babe, whatever baby._  
_If I have to take apart_  
_All that I am_  
_Is there anything that I would not do,_  
_'Cause inside I'd die without you_  
_Yeah baby_  
_'Cause inside I'd die without you_

 

He felt his chest heave as his breathing quicken and his throat tighten from the emotion building within him. He felt fingers run affectionately through his hair. He felt he was going to burst into tears at any minute. He didn't know how much more of this he could take.

 

 

 _Oh, I apologize for all the things I've done._  
_But now I'm underwater and I'm drowning_  
 _Is it my turn to be the one to cry._  
 _Isn't it amazing how some things completely turn around_  
 _So take every little piece of my heart_  
 _Yeah, take every little piece of my soul_  
 _Yeah, take every little bitty piece of my mind_  
 _'Cause if you're gone inside_  
 _I'd die without you_

 

 

 

He couldn't hold back any longer. Tears slid slowly down the side of his face. How could he have been so selfish? How could he not see Uta cared for him this much? He had been wrapped in his own little world for months now, not giving a damn about anyone or anything else. He listened as the song came to an end. He pulled the earbuds out and opened his eyes. The mask-maker was watching him with intensity Kaneki had never seen before.

 

“Now do you know how I feel about you?” Uta asked quietly. Kaneki sat up suddenly and wound his arms around the mask-maker's neck. He felt strong, deft hands on his back, caressing him gently.

 

“I love you so much, Ken. I don't want to live without you. Even though it's just a song, I would die without you. You give me life. You give me purpose. You give me love. Please don't take that away from me, I'm begging you.”

 

The raven-haired ghoul pressed his face into the young man's chest and broke down. The white-haired man held the other, pulling out the tie holding his hair and smoothing back the ebony tresses. The tattooed ghoul sniffled a few times before moving back.

 

“You're strong, Ken. Every day you hold on you prove to me how tough you are, and it grows every day. Can you please keep trying? If you have a minute, an hour you can't do it, lean on me. I'll be more than happy to be your strength. Please?”

 

The half-ghoul searched the other's eyes, seeing such devotion and desperation. He had never had anyone like Uta. The man had supported him even before Yamori. He'd always been there to talk with, ask questions, pick his brain, or to just simply enjoy his presence. When they realized there was more than friendship between them, the tattooed ghoul's dedication had grown. How could Kaneki have doubted him? He suddenly felt very selfish.

 

“Yes. I'm so sorry,” Ken whispered, hugging the mask-maker tighter.

 

“I know you hurt. You'll get through this. We'll get through this, ok?” Uta asked, pulling the young man back so he could meet his eyes, “We're going to have to have some ground rules though. I can't leave you alone right now. It's not that I don't trust you. I don't want anything to happen to you. We're going to move the couch from the guest room to the shop. When I'm working, you're going to hang out in the shop with me. You can read, take a nap, whatever. Maybe I can teach you how to make masks.” The raven-haired man smirked, causing the half-ghoul to giggle slightly.

 

“There's my Ken,” he said, pressing a kiss to the young man's lips, “I'm taking all the locks off the doors and getting rid of everything made of quinque...”

 

“But you need your tools to make your masks! It's stronger than steel,” Ken blurted.

 

“It doesn't matter. You can hurt yourself on those and I won't allow it. They'll be gone tomorrow,” Uta rebutted.

 

“I'm sorry,” Ken said, dropping his head, “I'm sorry I'm making your life more difficult.”

 

“Hey,” Uta murmured, lifting the young man's chin with his fingers, “You're more important than a couple of tools.”

 

The half-ghoul averted his eyes and nodded slowly. The mask-maker's slender fingers danced along the young man's spine, sending shivers up his back. Uta smiled when he felt the young man shake. He pressed a kiss to the other's forehead.

 

“If you take anything away from this, please realize you have every piece of my mind, heart and soul. If I were to lose you, I don't know what I would do. I am willing to give up anything for you. You're not alone so don't ever think that. And truly, Ken, I really would die without you.”

 

Uta watched as the young man nodded again. His Kaneki looked absolutely exhausted. It had been a trying day for everyone. He had hoped he had gotten through to the young man. Only time would tell. For now, all he could do was offer him the unconditional love he felt towards him.

 

“Come on, let's call it a night. I want to hold you all night, keep those demons at bay,” Uta said, cuddling next to the young man.

 

“Ok.”

 

“Ken?”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“I really love you.”

 

Silence.

 

“I really love you too, Uta.”

 

 

 


End file.
